9/11 Postscript

After all of my hand wringing yesterday afternoon, perspective arrived in the evening.  After a patchy, overcast weather all day, a thin stripe of sunshine lit the trees across the pond followed by a pink sky, promising a lovely day today. 

And as I watched the full moon rise after the light faded, my boy mention as he passed me, “I planted a seed in your garden today.”

“You did?”

“Yes.  I planted my nectarine pit in the garden so that it would grow into a tree.”

Never much of a gardener before, I began planting new things each September since 2001 as a way of reminding myself to appreciate where I am now and to invest hope in the coming spring.  The result is a garden that gives me more joy than I ever imagined.  This year’s bulbs sit in a box in the garage waiting to be planted, but it’s good to know something went into the ground on the 11th.  Now, to figure out where he planted it and keep the chipmunks away from it.

Finally, we stumbled on the Science Channel’s Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero and it was gratifying to see something emerging, at last, from the ashes of that day.  No false reality TV drama, just stories and extraordinary images of the new buildings and the memorial and how they are being built.  The series is several hours long and worth every minute.  Thank you, Steven Spielberg.

 

Me again.

I think it was the purported demise of the Postal Service that did it. When I said when I started LettersHead because people aren’t writing letters anymore I never thought it would come to this.  It could also be that, after 10+ months of benign neglect I checked in on LettersHead and found out it went on without me, collecting hits and links and daring me to start writing again or pull the plug for real.  Or maybe it’s because my kids are in school and I broke my foot and I can’t drive and I tend to drink too much coffee.  In any case, Lettershead is back and I am going to try again at an epistolary narrative.  Cabin fever aside, some things have happened over the past few months that seem to removed some of the roadblocks to writing; I need to test those barriers to see if they are indeed ready to tumble.  As my friends would say, “good luck with that.”

But I didn’t really give up on the random slice-of-life observations that appeared in this space before.  Autism drops too many choice moments into my life for that, so those can be found at the blog I started in my endless quest for useful places to put things that are cluttering my mind.  It’s called I Wouldn’t Have Missed It and you can find it here.

Finally, I have to give credit to my dear friend M. over at Life in A Skillet.  She sent me As Always, Julia and she proves time and again that blogs are both worth reading and writing if you put equal parts heart and mind into it.

Cats vs. Dogs

 

Our boys play a game called cats versus dogs, and as you can see, one side of the room is mostly cats and the other dogs.  The game involves a fight modeled on the battle scene in The first Chronicle of Narnia movie, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.  Devised by my older son with ASD, it involves charging horses and airborne animals colliding all over the place, accompanied by epic music and battle cries.  If you look very closely, the animals and toys that are neither cats nor dogs are divided up (roughly) by good guys and bad guys – Captain Hook with the dogs, Peter Pan with the cats, etc.  After the battles, we notice that cats and their friends always win, and the ensuing conversation goes something like this:

“When you play cats versus dogs, who wins?”

“The cats.”

“Always?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“They’re the heroes; dogs are villains.”

“How come?”

“Because dogs chase cats.  Dogs are villains because they are too jumpy.”

“So the cats are good because they get chased by the dogs?”

“Yes.”

“You’re a good kid, you always root for the underdog.”

“No – the undercat.”

It’s the Little Things

 

Living with a person who has autism brings surprises every day, some pleasant and some decidedly less so, but they always catch at your heart, one way or the other.  Take this box of peaches.  I left it in the back of the car for the night, knowing that if I brought it into the house that my son would eat them all before dinner and then I would have no fruit to put in his lunch the next morning.  He is, after all, a teenage boy.  This morning when I went to fetch the box, I found it like this, with four peaches eaten and the remaining pits carefully placed in each compartment (the two empty ones are the ones I put in his lunch).  When I asked if he “sneaked the peaches,” he said, “Yes!  And I left you the seeds!”

Fries for Kids & Tiny Dancers

We spent September 11 raising money for special education and being a family all at the same time.  It’s not as easy as it sounds.  As a family we made and sold french fires at a local festival with other families to help special education in our school district.  We know some truly amazing people who made this possible, and we all come from diverse backgrounds – what draws us together is what we dream of for our children.  There aren’t a lot of things we can do together to help out, but we found something in this activity today, and I am as proud as I have ever been of us and those we know for making it all come together and allow each of us to contribute.  And in the background, First Responders from New York came here to tell us their story and their wish for peace.

And me, I began and ended the day in tears, wanting something lovely for me and my family and finding it as we ended the day and wended our way home singing aloud to Elton John’s Tiny Dancer, knowing somehow that the child in me, miraculously, has been given all she needed over the years.  Who can ask more for that, when so much changed and so much is needed for us on September 11?

A Temple Grandin Moment

It’s the first day of school and the new ridiculously early schedule and the blazing heat make me feel like I imagine these cows feel – I just want to stand in the shade and barely move and not think at all.  I am already nostalgic for summer and the late afternoon moments when, while riding with a car full of kids (autistic and not, for the record) past the farms, all of them would spontaneously start to moo at the grazing cows.

The Autism Beat: Artism

Last week our daughter asked our son, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and, he said, “An artist.”  Until now the answer was always, “I don’t want to grow up.”  Breakthrough.  All parents hope that their children will find a passion, something they can and want to do with their lives.  It’s not always a vocation, not always a career, but something that creates a spark that, with any luck, turns into a fire.

Our extended family is blessed with talent of all kinds, artistic in particular, that has manifested itself in many ways.  Our home is filled with art by people we love, from paintings to photographs to greeting cards to quilts to books to magazine covers.  Some it of it viewed by thousands, some only by us, and so I think about where his desire to draw will take him because it is, in part, up to us to guide him toward his goal.

The world is full of artists who do other things so that they can pursue their art on their own time.  So few are able to fill their days and their bank accounts by making art.  And our boy is what people would call an outsider artist, pursuing what is, for now, a narrow, if vibrant, aesthetic that is not uncommon in people on the autism spectrum.  It has a childlike quality joined with a certain kind of exactitude that makes it appealing but not necessarily marketable.  And as much as that would be wonderful for him, it is the satisfying process of drawing and completing that we hope to preserve throughout his life; for every artist it is as much about the act of producing a bit of art as it is about having it when it’s finished.  Whether one works for days, months or years on a piece or is compelled to finish it in one sitting, the worst thing that can happen is to stop creating altogether.

Note:  the drawings here are older (about 2008), because more recently completed work is large or oddly sized and not easily scanned or photographed.

The Autism Beat: Reflections of a Furious Cow

I asked my son to turn off the basement light and as he strode across the room to comply he retorted, “Oh all right, you furious cow!”

“Thank you!” I said, not very politely.  At which point another of my children said, “If I had called you a furious cow, you would have gotten really mad at me.”  I agreed, adding, “But he got that from somewhere else, and on top of that he loves cows – the furious part is the insult, not the cow part.”  Point taken.

Even though I shouldn’t be pleased that the autistic trait of drawing speech from movies and TV is so prevalent in our boy, I have to admit I get a kick out of it.  When he was small, people at the local pool thought he was British because he drew so many of his phrases from the exceedingly polite Kipper cartoons: he would stand next to the diving board and pipe up, “You have a go!”   Considering all the movie lines people throw around these days, it’s really not so undesirable – it’s a useful kind of shorthand.  As he has grown and developed more of his own, original speech, his reliance on scripts appears most often when he is upset and words come less easily. Knowing that the phrases come from somewhere else takes some sting out of the confrontation and allows us all to laugh (most of the time).  After the cow exchange we set about documenting the latest vocabulary of annoyance, and its sources:

  • “Exactly WHEN did you go insane?” – Ice Age
  • “I’m not interested in your excuses!”  – Sir Topham Hatt, Thomas the Tank Engine
  • “You’re a cowardly chicken, you really are.” – Porky Pig
  • “You are shrewd, rude, mean and dangerous.” – Chicken Little
  • “I hate you, rabbit.”  – Yosemite Sam
  • “Foom!!”  – This is the noise made when Sylvester the Cat’s head ignites in frustration.
  • “YOU get out!  This is MY swamp.” – Shrek
  • “Well?  Where’s the REST of me?” – Daffy Duck
  • “I’m going to go to the hospital for a NEW one.” – so old no one remembers, including him
  • “You’re just. . .different.”  Howard Bannister in What’s Up Doc?
  • Murderer” – Scar in the Lion King (complete with Jeremy Irons accent)
  • “You’re a looney duck and a cowardly cat, you really are.” – Porky Pig.
  • “Madam, you WON’T” – Merlin in The Sword and the Stone

and, my all time favorite from What’s Up Doc:  “Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?!” 

That would be me.

Happy Birthday, George Washington

Another great conversation with our boy. 

A voice wafts in from the living room.

“Mom, today is George Washington’s Birthday.”

“I know.  How should we celebrate?”

“I will speak to him with my heart.”

I overhear a whisper.

“Happy Birthday, George Washington.  I hope you are having a nice birthday in heaven.”

He comes in to see me.

“I told him to have a nice day with my heart.  I hope I didn’t disappoint him.”

“How could you disappoint him?”

“I don’t want him to think he is not in my heart anymore.”  He pats his chest.  ”He’s still there, nice and safe.  I won’t forget him.  Or Lincoln, either.”

“I know they are both very proud of you.”

He sighs. 

“Yeah.”

In Search of the Savant

HBO just produced an excellent biopic about Temple Grandin starring Claire Danes.  Grandin is a professor of Animal husbandry at the University of Colorado and has made name for herself for her innovative designs for humane slaughterhouses.  At first glance that might seem like an oxymoron, but her premise is that if we are going to raise animals for food, we need to treat them with respect and make their lives as pleasant as possible right up to the moment, as she says, “they become meat.”  Grandin’s designs come out of her unique empathy for animals and her ability to understand their visual and sensory perspectives, and she credits her ability to do this to her autism.  HBO’s film portrays key moments in Grandin’s life with remarkable clarity, not allowing the extraneous details of her childhood and family life infringe unnecessarily upon the heart of the story, which is the discovery and nurturing of Grandin’s gift for thinking in pictures and translating that skill into workable solutions for real-lfe problems.  Her voluminous photographic memory permits her to draw on virtually every single image she has ever encountered, and to process that information into something useful to her, and often, but not always, others.  She has documented her life well in several books, and she lectures far and wide at autism conferences, doing her best to impress upon families, teachers, doctors and researchers the importance of cutting through the sensory static and literal translations that can nag at the autistic mind.  Several years ago she was profiled in The New Yorker for her work designing the slaughterhouses, and I carried it around with me for months as an example at meetings and support groups, saying “this is what I want for our children with autism, for it to be both essential and secondary to who they are.”  Or as the movie’s tag line goes, “different but not less.”  Temple Grandin is extraordinary in so many ways, and she’s as energetic and industrious in pursuing the interests that drive her as well as the obstacles that autism throws up in front of her.  She can’t stand being touched by people so she devised a hugging machine that fulfills her sensory need for direct pressure; she has a sensitive digestive system and texture issues, so she eats lots of yogurt and Jell-O.  She is a fascinating mix of rigid and adaptive.

I hope that Grandin’s story will supplant the Rain Man imagery attached to autism even though I embrace the glamour and intrigue that comes with the concept of a savant as portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in that film.  It is impossible to say whether the person in that story would have benefitted from the kind of education that Grandin did.  There is no denying that some people are more hobbled by their autism than others, and that the gifts exhibited by some are more striking than others.

By the book, a savant is someone who is an expert, and in even today some append the term idiot savant to those who have dazzling gifts accompanied by startling deficits in other realms.  Many parents with children on the autism spectrum have had the maddening discussion with people who simply must know if their child is a math whiz, a brilliant musician or an organizational genius; I keep waiting for someone to ask about x-ray vision.  There should be a way to have that conversation without putting people in a position to justify the disability.  What the HBO version of Grandin’s story ignited in me is the realization that we all hope for an inner savant, in our children and in ourselves, and the beauty of Temple is that she has found a place where her inner world and the outer world that so confounds her can merge.

I understand that autism can manifest itself in ways that can be unsettling, disruptive and painful, but it takes only a small leap to see the universality of Temple Grandin’s journey.  Anyone trying to get a job, applying to college or thinking of a career change asks themselves the same question – what do I do well?  What is my destiny?  Why am I here?  Does anyone out there see the real me?  Some people go though their lives not knowing for sure if they found their niche.  Autism writes that problem on the wall in stark relief, and in that process presents some of us with a niche that finds us.

And, to extrapolate even further, it occurs to me that greatest moments in time are populated with people who nurtured extraordinary gifts in tandem with staggering weaknesses.  There is little room for mediocrity on the lists of Nobel, Pulitzer and in the annals of History.  And yet we strive for children who fit in, for people who meet the established standard of achievement, for uniformity and acquiescence.  To take a small but colorful sample, and because I have just finished reading the real-life potboiler Game Change, I cannot help but think of all of the politicians who are brilliant strategists and personal goofballs.  Bill Clinton is nothing if not a political savant, a Rhodes Scholar who claimed he never inhaled pot, and he joins a group of folks both brilliant and crazy in similar fashion:  Gary Hart (smart enough to change his name but not to stay off the Monkey Business?), Eliot Sptizer (pimp buster and escort service client), John Edwards (populist hero with the Armani labels ripped out of his suit), Mark Sanford (he tried to give back the stimulus money and he gave his wife half a bike for her birthday).  These people are almost autistic in reverse – social skills savants with a startling deficit in linear thinking.  I’m being flip, I know, but my point is that we take great pleasure in parsing the strengths and weaknesses of our public figures, so why aren’t we better at identifying the same things in our kids?  There are parts of autism that need to be managed, even fixed, but what we really need to do is mine the brilliance, harness the energy, bring more tools to the table that allow people with hidden gifts to find them, even if, for some of them, in the end, it just means ending some of their frustration and giving them some peace and happiness in a world that mystifies them.